How to Protect Yourself At All Times

November 7, 2019November 8, 20202 Comments

Since going through a divorce, I have realized that I need to be able to cover myself and my family. I needed to step up mentally for myself and my son. I do not trust anyone, right now, and don’t know if I ever will again. When I say mentally, what I mean is change my mindset. You see when you change your mindset and realize that you have happiness right in front of you.

Going through a divorce caused me to make a lot of changes, changes that needed to be made. I am thankful for these these changes as they have helped me become the person that I needed to be. For so long I felt like I wasn’t the Susie most people knew and I was lost. It was because I let go of myself.

When you think you can trust someone and all the things go wrong, you learn real fast to protect yourself. Whether you are going through a divorce, or just are going through things, there are a few things you can do to protect yourself:

Get everything in writing: This is key, you need to make sure that you are always watching your shoulder. Anything of any importance needs to be always documented. This will protect you so much in the long run.
Bite your tongue: There will be drama, but you need to know it doesn’t matter. Just bite your tongue and let the he/she said crap go away. No one cares about it in court.
Watch who you talk to: I deleted a TON of people out of my life. This doesn’t mean necessarily deleting off social media, but rather not talking to them about anything that could harm myself. If you decide to talk mutual people, just keep what is going on to yourself.
Do not lie: I don’t ever lie period. SO this is a no brainer to me. But if you have everything in writing there is no way to lie.
Have a mentor: Someone you can help you, and listen. Whenever I wanted to react to something I would call this person and they would talk me out of doing something stupid. This person could be a sibling, best friend, or parent. You want to make sure that it is someone you can trust.
Hire a lawyer: My lawyer bill is HIGH. But I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way simply because I never went through this before so I did not know what to expect. I had to ask tons of questions and send tons of information including screenshots and it all added up.

You need to protect yourself at all times, since there is going to be so much going on. You have to “do you” and take care of you that is it. Do not second guess yourself AT ALL. You will get through this hardest time of your life, do not worry.

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What NOT to Say to Someone Going Through a Divorce

May 29, 2019May 31, 2019Leave a comment

Going through a divorce is tough. It doesn’t get easier for a long, long, long time. Here’s the thing I couldn’t tell many people about what I was going through at first because I was embarrassed and didn’t want people to feel bad for me. At first, I felt bad for myself and my family, etc. Yes, family, because once you are with someone for so long, they become that family too.

But, once circumstances started to move forward into motion, I realized that it is not as bad as it seems. I will be fine. I will work through and be happy somehow. Changes had to be made to move forward; it just took time.

Here are some things that I HATED people saying to me.

The grass is greener – like what? That’s great; it’s going to be fine, I get that. But right now, I can’t even see straight. I feel sick to my stomach and can’t even sleep. My heart is broken and torn into a million pieces. So, while it may be greener, it will take time to heal.
There are other fish in the sea – UHH okay. Yes, there are, but now I have to find someone AGAIN, and I am already in my 30’s. I have to let him know what I like physically, emotionally, sexually, etc. Who has time for all that when you were with your ex for so long?
I’m so sorry – My response is always, “me too.” Do you think I am not sorry and don’t feel bad? Don’t you think that I wish things could have been different? Are you going to help me get through this? Or do you just feel sorry?
You are better off without him/her – How? That person was there for me during everything for however long. Right now, I have no one. How can I pick up all of those pieces? This statement goes back to the ‘grass is greener;’ it will get better in time. But that person was a part of my life for soooo long that I still can’t see myself without him/her.
Protect yourself – Get a lawyer and take everything from the person. What? He is still the father of my son, a person, and has worked hard. We were a partnership, and we deserve equal shares.
You will be fine – Yes, I will be fine, but when? Right now I am not, and my family is not. So, thanks for letting me know.
It’s his loss – Is it, truly? I think it’s both of our losses. We both have lost each other and everything we have worked for during that time.
50% of marriages end anyway – This one is REALLY foolish to me. It bothers me. Yeah, but I never thought it would be me. People never think it’s going to happen to them. Yeah, I get that, but really? That doesn’t make it okay or make me feel any better.

Instead of saying those phrases, try using these.

You are strong
You are confident
Time will heal
Take care of you
Bible verses have helped a lot.
Offer solutions or help
I am proud of you

 For anyone going through a divorce, it sucks. Even if you have gone through one, don’t say the pieces above; it doesn’t help. Find ways to uplift the person and make them laugh. The last thing we want to do is cry more or think about someone else. We need friends, support, and to feel like we can be independent and get through life. When I started going through a divorce, I had one friend send me bible verses or inspirational quotes every day. If any of my friends or family sent me any negative things or screenshots of what was happening in his life, I would ask them to stop. You need to get over it and let go because the sooner you do, the sooner life works out.

So, the next time you want to make any of these remarks to someone who is going through a divorce, be positive and uplift them instead. Let them know you care and will be there for them!

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How to See the Signs of a Divorce Early On

May 22, 2019May 24, 2019Leave a comment

You can always save your marriage as long as two people are willing. That is what they used to tell me. I don’t know if that is true anymore; I don’t know much. I thought the other person would always want to fight for their marriage.

Do you usually see the signs? Sometimes. But, we never think anything of it until it’s too late. You can search online for a million reasons or explanations, but I have first-hand experience with the state of an emotional divorce. (It’s going to emotional no matter what.)

When I look back now, I see that there were signs, but I didn’t pay attention. Why? Because we think it can never happen and we are meant to be together forever. Or so we think. What honestly is forever? How do people stay together?

I grew up with my family being successful and not having any divorces. It was something about how we were raised. I was raised to believe you can work through anything. Yes, even an affair. But both parties have to WANT to and have to forgive. I guess I always had that mentality which is why I never thought divorce was an option.

What are the signs?

– [ ] No date nights

– [ ] Lack of communication

– [ ] Arguing about small things

– [ ] Not listening to each other

– [ ] Constant nagging

– [ ] Not agreeing on much

– [ ] Not doing things as a family

– [ ] No actual support for one another

– [ ] No friends/support

– [ ] No hobbies

Two people need to understand how a marriage works and what the goals are in all fields: financial, career, family, marriage, etc. We can all get so caught up in life and work that we do not realize what is in front of us. Getting older allows us to recognize the importance of taking time out regularly for ourselves, our family, our career, and our spouse. You see how our spouse is last. They should be first, or at least after ourselves anyway. We run out of time, and we are drained and tired.

You can come up with a million excuses and reasons for anything in life. We both seemed to do that in our marriage and weren’t on the same page. Maybe it was because of my special needs son, or perhaps it was because we didn’t see eye to eye. Whatever it is, it sucked.

When you marry someone, you think you can work through anything, and it is going to be glamorous. No, it’s not. There will come a time for everyone when you need to pick what to do. Fight and get help with your marriage or walk away. Before you walk away, look at the signs. Look at how it is being played out. If there is a lack of communication – why? Take that time to sit down at the dinner table after the kids go to bed and TALK. Talk about anything other than work.

I think one of the biggest hurdles for me is what else do we talk about besides work and kids? Being older now, those two topics consume my conversations. What about the other subjects? Put together a list of ideas you want to talk about besides the standard adult stuff. I wish I had done this before my marriage crumbled. You can do it and attempt to save yours before it’s too late.

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Surviving Your First Holiday Alone

May 20, 2019September 14, 2019Leave a comment

The first holiday time with your family after a divorce will be the hardest. You will get blank stares. People will want to ask but don’t even know what to say. You will think people are staring at you and judging you quietly. You will be over thinking, wondering what they know and if they are going to judge you.

You see how happy they are and wonder what the heck went wrong. But then someone comes up to you and tells you a story and you know it’s fine. Their story is about whatever is happening in their life and not about yours because they don’t care about yours. They want you to know that they aren’t judging you and you had to do what you had to do.

Honestly, I have always been hard on myself and always over-thought everything. The truth is people don’t care as much as we think they do. I keep telling myself it honestly does take two, and sometimes it is merely what it is, and it’s time to move forward.

Then… You get a call from your ex’s family to make you even more anxious and mad. You don’t know what to say other than, “Happy Easter.” The biggest phrase people always say is, ‘how are you?’ Do you want the truth or a fake statement? Fake = I am okay. Truth = I want to beep beep beeep beeeep beeeep. But I take the higher road and know that no one else needs to know our drama.

All this time, I thought no one cared or that people were talking about me. Honestly, people know it can happen, and it does take two sometimes. The best advice I can give you is to let it go and enjoy this moment. Stop over-thinking. When you are with your family, know they are ‘on your side’ and genuinely do care.

People want you to be happy. No one is going to really care about your story. Divorces happen more often than we know and others just want you to be happy. And, all in time, you will be.

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Marriage: When/How to Know It’s Time to Let Go

May 8, 2019May 11, 2019Leave a comment

When it is time to let go.

There are only some parts of life you can change or fix. You cannot correct someone else or their problems. Rather, you can only fix yourself and work on yourself. If the other person isn’t wanting to make changes or move forward, then there is nothing you can do. I have to say that I am all about self-development. I don’t mind going to counseling, etc. So, if the other person isn’t seeing wrongdoings that they did, then it’s not going to matter. I don’t want to be with that person.

I go to counseling to help make myself better, to realize my goals, and to help me understand myself better. We all need self-growth at one point or another. We need to let our thoughts and feelings out so that we can move forward. Again, this is all so great. The other person needs to be willing to want to save or help their marriage/self.

There comes a time when you have to let go, though. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt like hell; like NOTHING ELSE you’ve felt before. You will feel sick every day. You will feel hate and anger. Tears will fall. You won’t sleep or eat. You will overeat. This cycle will continue for what seems like FOREVER. However, it’ll only last for a little while. Eventually, the period will get longer and longer, so you can be stronger in no time.

How do you let go?

I wish I had an answer. A lot of things in my life changed to move forward. I found a support system. I focused on me and my goals, leaned on God + my parents, and opened up to people around me. Also, I worked out and took care of my son. I realized what I had to do to move forward and make myself better all in time.

Don’t think it won’t hurt. You will be better in the long-run; remember, the long-run is going to take time. I used to believe that there was always hope. You know, you think of the love movies, and people come around. Or you hear about your friends getting remarried to the same guy years later. Whatever it is, do not think about it. For it to come back to you, you need to let go and do you. It is going to be the HARDEST action ever. I went through three deployments with my ex, and this is WAY more difficult than that. This stint is worse than mono and childbirth. God prepared me for this through all of those fierce battles.

Stop over-thinking and act on the future. Imagine your future. Where do you want to be? Who do you want to be? How will you go on and take care of yourself? Focus on YOU, and don’t let anything get in the way. What’s meant to be will always find a way.

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I Will Never Understand Divorce

May 6, 2019May 11, 20198 Comments

Like, why?

You can always fix something yourself but not if the other person isn’t willing. I don’t know. I’d rather fight for something than give up. Some might not agree. I genuinely believe that you can fight and work through just about anything. Yes, even an affair. But BOTH people need to be willing to forgive, accept, and be there for each other. Both people need to fight. That is it. When the other isn’t willing, it’s not worth it, and the damage is done.

It might be so hard, but trust me. If two people do not want to agree on making changes to move forward, this is when a divorce may happen. It takes a 50/50 effort. You both have to fight and make changes. You both have to take the blame and fight like HELL.

Things change; people change, or we merely realize what’s important. OR maybe our priorities shift. I still think I have a lot of the same characteristics now that I had when my ex married me all those years ago… But now, I have more focused goals such as my career and my son.

Did I neglect my husband at the time? Maybe. But it was difficult. I couldn’t find the balance. I don’t know if finding the balance would make it any better or worse, but we live in the moment and take it for what it’s worth.

I used to think I failed at my marriage, but I do not anymore. You have to forgive yourself. There comes a time when you realize you have tried everything. You recognize that the other person has already moved on and it isn’t worth fighting for anymore. When you forgive yourself, you know that you have not failed and you have been successful at trying. You have to accept that it is okay to let go. Letting go is going to feel like you just had a death in the family. Know that you are strong and can endure.

So yes, I wanted another kid. Yes, I wanted my marriage to work. Yes, I wanted my business to blossom. Yes, I wanted all these things. Yes, I wanted to grow old with my ex. But things change. I never saw it ending like this, never. However, sometimes life happens and we have to be thankful for the steps we took to get there. There is no one to blame; it was 50/50. But I do know that I am moving forward in a positive direction confidently and learning from my past. I do not regret any of this, yet I don’t understand how things could still be this way.

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What’s Worse Death or Divorce?

May 1, 2019May 4, 2019Leave a comment

I have been thinking about the two of these options for quite some time. When I went through a divorce, my parents told me that this feels like death has happened in the family. I couldn’t help but let that sink in and sit. It stuck with me for a while.

I didn’t think of divorce like death until they made that remark. I wonder why it felt that way. It’s like we all went through the same stages together; you know, denial, anger, acceptance, etc. Once we realized that it was happening, we all felt like it was a death.

While parting ways might not be a real death, losing the person you love from the family as a whole is rough. We didn’t have a wake or funeral, but we know that nothing will be the same. We had to let go of all the good times we shared knowing that those people won’t be together anymore. It’s like you just released. So many people are affected by the process of divorce including parents, siblings, grandparents, children, etc. It can be so hard to add that to the list of worries when separating. It’s important not to take sides or try to make someone else look better or worse. It is what is, as my dad said.

No matter how mad my family was at my ex, they still know he’s the father to my son. They know there are two sides to the story; they understand it takes two. They are aware that we both said and did a lot of wrongs, but I would much rather have a divorce than death for my son’s sake if that makes sense. So, we have to handle the cards that are dealt to us and go through all the stages of life and grief.

Being civil is a must now. You miss out on all the things that you had planned for the future together. The holidays won’t be the same. You won’t get to celebrate together but separate instead. How does that even look and feel? I don’t understand how that is going to be.

It does feel like a death happened. The heartbreak is horrible. And yet, they are still there. Enjoy the new life and don’t dwell on what could have been because life is too short. Be thankful for the divorce and make it amicable for everyone around you.

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Reasons Why I’ll Never Get Married Again

April 22, 2019March 24, 20195 Comments

After going through a divorce recently, I decided that I am not ever going to get married again. My dad told me not to say never, but I know in my mind and heart that I won’t remarry. Why? It isn’t worth it to me. I might date, fall in love, or move in with someone but the responsibilities of being married are too high.

When I was younger, I had the perfect picture of how marriage and life had to be laid out. You know, the union forever and ever, then having kids, maintaining a good job, next retirement, and being with that person my whole life. Maybe it is because my parents had that marriage success. Perhaps it doesn’t seem real anymore these days; maybe it’s make-believe. I do not know. Either way, when that dream gets crushed, why do it again?

All I know is that I won’t go through with marriage again. Here’s why.

Wedding – waste of money: having a wedding is WAY too expensive. I won’t ever have one, even with the justice of the court. We made a lot of money off of our wedding also, and where did it go? Who knows? Money is tough.
Divorce – waste of money: Then, when you decide your marriage isn’t going to work, it costs MORE money. You have to file and pay a lawyer and pay, pay, pay. It’s horrible. So, all that money you saved no longer matters. Besides, when you have to split assets between you and your ex, you both worked hard, and now, both just got screwed in many ways.
Emotional: the emotional element is one of the hardest, and I will not remarry for this reason. We get too attached, or I do. I relied on my ex WAY too much because that’s how it works, right? WRONG. Do not ever rely on anyone else but yourself. It is okay to ask for help, but never have someone do something that you can do.
Too much responsibility: There is too much involved with another marriage. You have to take care of that person, spend time with them, etc. When you go from married to divorce to single, you realize you can do so much and can rely on yourself.
Don’t want to change my name: Ain’t nobody got time to change names to new titles. It’s too much financially and physically, not even worth it.
I want all responsibility: I want to be independent and take care of everything myself. Being a single mom, I have done it all now. I don’t want to be codependent on someone again.
Financial: This should be one of the first reasons. Even if I got a prenup, you still could lose a lot of money from everything that happens during a marriage. I do not ever want to go through a divorce again and throw away so much money; from retirement to savings to paychecks to the rest.
Getting rid of photos: UM hello, empty walls. I am just going to fill the walls with my son and fun, dreamy decorations since that seems to be the best option.
Hurts everyone around me: You will lose family through a divorce, and even friends. People are understanding, but they feel the hurt and pain with you if you decide to get remarried, etc. It is just too complicated to try to determine who you are going to keep as friends or family through each step.

Why do we need to have that perfect picture marriage and life? Why does everyone feel hurt and the constant battle to fit that mold? I know I did, but why? What’s the big deal? Who cares if we have kids before marriage or never get married. Who cares? Let’s live life and stop over-thinking it all. People will change and hurt you… maybe intentionally or maybe unintentionally. There isn’t anything wrong with the decisions that you make. Screw up a little and let life throw a curveball at you – it’s fun!