What NOT to Say to Someone Going Through a Divorce

Going through a divorce is tough. It doesn’t get easier for a long, long, long time. Here’s the thing I couldn’t tell many people about what I was going through at first because I was embarrassed and didn’t want people to feel bad for me. At first, I felt bad for myself and my family, etc. Yes, family, because once you are with someone for so long, they become that family too.

But, once circumstances started to move forward into motion, I realized that it is not as bad as it seems. I will be fine. I will work through and be happy somehow. Changes had to be made to move forward; it just took time.

Here are some things that I HATED people saying to me.


  •  The grass is greener – like what? That’s great; it’s going to be fine, I get that. But right now, I can’t even see straight. I feel sick to my stomach and can’t even sleep. My heart is broken and torn into a million pieces. So, while it may be greener, it will take time to heal.
  • There are other fish in the sea – UHH okay. Yes, there are, but now I have to find someone AGAIN, and I am already in my 30’s. I have to let him know what I like physically, emotionally, sexually, etc. Who has time for all that when you were with your ex for so long?
  •  I’m so sorry – My response is always, “me too.” Do you think I am not sorry and don’t feel bad? Don’t you think that I wish things could have been different? Are you going to help me get through this? Or do you just feel sorry?
  •  You are better off without him/her – How? That person was there for me during everything for however long. Right now, I have no one. How can I pick up all of those pieces? This statement goes back to the ‘grass is greener;’ it will get better in time. But that person was a part of my life for soooo long that I still can’t see myself without him/her.
  • Protect yourself – Get a lawyer and take everything from the person. What? He is still the father of my son, a person, and has worked hard. We were a partnership, and we deserve equal shares.
  • You will be fine – Yes, I will be fine, but when? Right now I am not, and my family is not. So, thanks for letting me know.
  • It’s his loss – Is it, truly? I think it’s both of our losses. We both have lost each other and everything we have worked for during that time.
  • 50% of marriages end anyway – This one is REALLY foolish to me. It bothers me. Yeah, but I never thought it would be me. People never think it’s going to happen to them. Yeah, I get that, but really? That doesn’t make it okay or make me feel any better.

Instead of saying those phrases, try using these.

  • You are strong
  • You are confident
  • Time will heal
  • Take care of you
  • Bible verses have helped a lot.
  • Offer solutions or help
  • I am proud of you


For anyone going through a divorce, it sucks. Even if you have gone through one, don’t say the pieces above; it doesn’t help. Find ways to uplift the person and make them laugh. The last thing we want to do is cry more or think about someone else. We need friends, support, and to feel like we can be independent and get through life. When I started going through a divorce, I had one friend send me bible verses or inspirational quotes every day. If any of my friends or family sent me any negative things or screenshots of what was happening in his life, I would ask them to stop. You need to get over it and let go because the sooner you do, the sooner life works out.

So, the next time you want to make any of these remarks to someone who is going through a divorce, be positive and uplift them instead. Let them know you care and will be there for them!

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How to Regain Confidence After a Divorce

The time after a divorce is by far the hardest, ever. I am still trying to wrap my head around all of this. One day I am in denial and the next, acceptance. It is going through a ton of emotions. I feel happy and confident one day, then the next day, I experience the lowest self-esteem.

I feel like I am not good enough and haven’t ever been good enough. Internally, I am still struggling with a lot that needs to be taken care of, but I know that I am an okay person, and so is my ex. We merely didn’t get along and had different goals.

The building or regaining of your confidence after a divorce is no different than building and regaining your confidence after any major life event. Start taking the necessary steps to pick up the pieces of your life and begin to rebuild it and move forward. You are in charge, and you need to understand that first and foremost.


There are six general stages of recovering after a divorce. You will go through them all. It is the same process as when you lose someone to death, but I personally think this is much harder. We have to cope and overcome; forgive yourself and the other person. YES, the other person. I highly recommend going to counseling or therapy for your own sake. It will help you as a person.

After the general stages, you come to the steps for recovery. This process is where you begin to build your confidence, slowly. Each person is different, and there will be some different thoughts on how to regain that confidence.

  1. The Mind: Your mind has to overcome a lot of obstacles. For months, I overthought everything day in and day out. How did I let the thoughts go? A few ways. I started to go to church weekly so that I could regain my faith. This action helped me a TON. I, of course, still went to see my therapist. This step always helps me because I can talk about whatever and get experience and thoughts about how to move forward.
  2. Let it Go: You literally have to let go of everything in the past. You didn’t do anything wrong, it is what it is, and you need to let it go. There will come a time when you are ready to let it go; it took me about four months before I was really able to do so. It happened when I realized there was nothing I could do, and needed to focus on my future instead of the past and my ex.
  3. Refocus: You need to put your focus on something besides your divorce ending. I put my focus on myself and my son. By doing this, I was able to focus on my business and the growth of my son. I realized that this was more important than anything and my son needed mommy to focus.
  4. Reinvent Yourself: Now is the time to find yourself again. If you always had doubts, goals, or dreams, now is the time to capitalize on those. I knew that I wanted my business now more than ever. I was not going to stop at all. I realized that I needed to get things done on my own and figure out what I liked and didn’t like. It was a time for me to reconnect with old friends and have fun.

Know that things happen; we cannot live our lives unhappily. I still do not understand how this can happen to this day, but I look forward now and let it be. I let go of all of those thoughts and realized I could only change and work on myself and not someone else. Have you ever gone through a divorce? Did you overcome it?

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How to See the Signs of a Divorce Early On

You can always save your marriage as long as two people are willing. That is what they used to tell me. I don’t know if that is true anymore; I don’t know much. I thought the other person would always want to fight for their marriage.

Do you usually see the signs? Sometimes. But, we never think anything of it until it’s too late. You can search online for a million reasons or explanations, but I have first-hand experience with the state of an emotional divorce. (It’s going to emotional no matter what.)  

When I look back now, I see that there were signs, but I didn’t pay attention. Why? Because we think it can never happen and we are meant to be together forever. Or so we think. What honestly is forever? How do people stay together?

I grew up with my family being successful and not having any divorces. It was something about how we were raised. I was raised to believe you can work through anything. Yes, even an affair. But both parties have to WANT to and have to forgive. I guess I always had that mentality which is why I never thought divorce was an option.


What are the signs?

– [ ] No date nights

– [ ] Lack of communication

– [ ] Arguing about small things

– [ ] Not listening to each other

– [ ] Constant nagging

– [ ] Not agreeing on much

– [ ] Not doing things as a family

– [ ] No actual support for one another

– [ ] No friends/support

– [ ] No hobbies

Two people need to understand how a marriage works and what the goals are in all fields: financial, career, family, marriage, etc. We can all get so caught up in life and work that we do not realize what is in front of us. Getting older allows us to recognize the importance of taking time out regularly for ourselves, our family, our career, and our spouse. You see how our spouse is last. They should be first, or at least after ourselves anyway. We run out of time, and we are drained and tired.

You can come up with a million excuses and reasons for anything in life. We both seemed to do that in our marriage and weren’t on the same page. Maybe it was because of my special needs son, or perhaps it was because we didn’t see eye to eye. Whatever it is, it sucked.

When you marry someone, you think you can work through anything, and it is going to be glamorous. No, it’s not. There will come a time for everyone when you need to pick what to do. Fight and get help with your marriage or walk away. Before you walk away, look at the signs. Look at how it is being played out. If there is a lack of communication – why? Take that time to sit down at the dinner table after the kids go to bed and TALK. Talk about anything other than work.  

I think one of the biggest hurdles for me is what else do we talk about besides work and kids? Being older now, those two topics consume my conversations. What about the other subjects? Put together a list of ideas you want to talk about besides the standard adult stuff. I wish I had done this before my marriage crumbled. You can do it and attempt to save yours before it’s too late.
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I Was Too Busy for My Husband; My Marriage Crashed

There comes a time in life when things change and don’t go as planned and when life takes a turn for the worst. That time for me was a divorce. I look back and try to see what I could have fixed and done differently, but there wasn’t much. I have a new perspective now.

My son came first, and my marriage crashed. Read that again. Yes, I put my son first, and my marriage collapsed. I knew my husband needed me, but I didn’t know what he needed. I felt like I had to take care of my son and let my husband go through whatever he needed to in the meantime. When I had a mental break down, I needed my time and couldn’t relate at all to my husband.


There were many issues that I see now. It takes two, and I do not blame myself for all of it, but I do know that I worked so hard to focus on myself, business, and son. I didn’t know what to do when my ex went through a bad state of mind. I offered support and help, but I honestly didn’t know what to do nor how to accept and understand things. Our lives are so crazy as wives, parents, etc. We know that everything else always comes first, and it’s tough. I never gave him the attention he needed. I worked hard day and night because I needed to.

Other factors caused our marriage to fall apart as well. I do not need to get all into it, but the truth is, I literally felt like I had to hold my family together, so he could come out on top and get over whatever funk he was going through. I could have done things differently. I was tired and focused on what I needed to do. But truth be told, things happen for a reason. I am not sure why it played out the way that it did, but it did. I might not ever understand it, but we get through whatever life throws at us, right?

Some professionals could have helped him. I know I was his wife, but I couldn’t understand what he was dealing with or how to fix anything OR even realized how bad he was until it was too late. I let him down, and I own that. However, I didn’t let myself or my son down, and sometimes things work out for a reason we don’t know yet. It takes two, and communication is key. I didn’t catch a lot of things when he was in his negative state of mind. We could have communicated better and tried to get help sooner, but there is an explanation for why it happened this way. I can’t go back; I can only look forward.

When I went through a mental breakdown, I didn’t know what I was feeling or doing. I shut my ex-husband out at that point because I was scared and embarrassed. After seeking help, I came out fine; I thought the same could happen to him. I guess males are different than females. When I got help, I felt happier and more like myself. I felt like I was able to live again. To this day, I still see a counselor because it allows me to gather my thoughts and work on myself. After all, if we aren’t content with ourselves, can we be happy with anyone else?

 

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Marriage: When/How to Know It’s Time to Let Go

When it is time to let go.

There are only some parts of life you can change or fix. You cannot correct someone else or their problems. Rather, you can only fix yourself and work on yourself. If the other person isn’t wanting to make changes or move forward, then there is nothing you can do. I have to say that I am all about self-development. I don’t mind going to counseling, etc. So, if the other person isn’t seeing wrongdoings that they did, then it’s not going to matter. I don’t want to be with that person.

I go to counseling to help make myself better, to realize my goals, and to help me understand myself better. We all need self-growth at one point or another. We need to let our thoughts and feelings out so that we can move forward. Again, this is all so great. The other person needs to be willing to want to save or help their marriage/self.

There comes a time when you have to let go, though. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt like hell; like NOTHING ELSE you’ve felt before. You will feel sick every day. You will feel hate and anger. Tears will fall. You won’t sleep or eat. You will overeat. This cycle will continue for what seems like FOREVER. However, it’ll only last for a little while. Eventually, the period will get longer and longer, so you can be stronger in no time.

How do you let go?

I wish I had an answer. A lot of things in my life changed to move forward. I found a support system. I focused on me and my goals, leaned on God + my parents, and opened up to people around me. Also, I worked out and took care of my son. I realized what I had to do to move forward and make myself better all in time.

Don’t think it won’t hurt. You will be better in the long-run; remember, the long-run is going to take time. I used to believe that there was always hope. You know, you think of the love movies, and people come around. Or you hear about your friends getting remarried to the same guy years later. Whatever it is, do not think about it. For it to come back to you, you need to let go and do you. It is going to be the HARDEST action ever. I went through three deployments with my ex, and this is WAY more difficult than that. This stint is worse than mono and childbirth. God prepared me for this through all of those fierce battles.

Stop over-thinking and act on the future. Imagine your future. Where do you want to be? Who do you want to be? How will you go on and take care of yourself? Focus on YOU, and don’t let anything get in the way. What’s meant to be will always find a way.

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I Will Never Understand Divorce

Like, why?

You can always fix something yourself but not if the other person isn’t willing. I don’t know. I’d rather fight for something than give up. Some might not agree. I genuinely believe that you can fight and work through just about anything. Yes, even an affair. But BOTH people need to be willing to forgive, accept, and be there for each other. Both people need to fight. That is it. When the other isn’t willing, it’s not worth it, and the damage is done.

It might be so hard, but trust me. If two people do not want to agree on making changes to move forward, this is when a divorce may happen. It takes a 50/50 effort. You both have to fight and make changes. You both have to take the blame and fight like HELL.

Things change; people change, or we merely realize what’s important. OR maybe our priorities shift. I still think I have a lot of the same characteristics now that I had when my ex married me all those years ago… But now, I have more focused goals such as my career and my son.


Did I neglect my husband at the time? Maybe. But it was difficult. I couldn’t find the balance. I don’t know if finding the balance would make it any better or worse, but we live in the moment and take it for what it’s worth.

I used to think I failed at my marriage, but I do not anymore. You have to forgive yourself. There comes a time when you realize you have tried everything. You recognize that the other person has already moved on and it isn’t worth fighting for anymore. When you forgive yourself, you know that you have not failed and you have been successful at trying. You have to accept that it is okay to let go. Letting go is going to feel like you just had a death in the family. Know that you are strong and can endure.

So yes, I wanted another kid. Yes, I wanted my marriage to work. Yes, I wanted my business to blossom. Yes, I wanted all these things. Yes, I wanted to grow old with my ex. But things change. I never saw it ending like this, never. However, sometimes life happens and we have to be thankful for the steps we took to get there. There is no one to blame; it was 50/50. But I do know that I am moving forward in a positive direction confidently and learning from my past. I do not regret any of this, yet I don’t understand how things could still be this way.

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