This blog post is going to take a lot of me to write.. Recently I have been feeling WAY down and have panic attack after attack. I always had an upset stomach and just wasn’t myself. I worried about dying, about my son, about everything. I worried about how I was managing work and family, etc. It all came tumbling down to the point that I wouldn’t eat and when I did eat I would get sick from it somehow. I literally had to force myself to eat.
I think as parents we all go through this stage at one time or another. I know that we are healthy, lucky, blessed, etc but I just felt like I should be a better wife and mom. I felt like laundry piled up FOREVER. I felt like my son was incredibly behind because of his ear infections and tubes. I felt like it was MY FAULT. I felt like I needed to push him to be something more – like the kid next to him.
I felt like I needed to be a better wife.. I mean let’s face it my husband and I haven’t spent time together in likeeee months. I felt like I was getting older and losing control of my life. I felt like I missed when Antonio was a little baby and replied on versus now when he is SO independent. I felt like work wasnt cut out to be what it was and I needed a change. All these things went through my head constantly.
I felt like I needed to slow life down but lost control of it. I am crying as I sit here and write this because I am INCREDIBLY strong. I mean after all we have gone through three deployments and I was queen B! I was the strongest person ever during that time. I knew my husband was getting sick of hearing me complain (I was too). I was just So worried about Antonio and life that I didn’t know what to do. He told me to fill my head with positive things, but like…. HOW!?
I would hear about someone dying and lose it… I realized that we all have to die sometime and then there went any positive thoughts. Whenever I heard someone was sick I would lose it. I was having a hard time, adulating is the hardest thing you will EVER go through. And new flash it doesn’t get better, you just learn to adjust. I didn’t know how to mange my time anymore and how to meal prep or take care of the THREE of us. Don’t get me wrong.. my husband is AMAZING and helps out… Lucky for me he doesn’t care if we have pizza and the laundry isn’t done because we get each other.
Finally, I admitted all my thoughts and feelings to those around me… Including my doctor. It was the hardest thing ever! I was laughing and smiling the whole time at the doctors office because I knew I was strong and nothing was wrong with me. She knew it too! She told me to take a break, think positive, keep a journal, eat better, exercise, you know all the good things.. AND she told me that I needed time to myself everyday + with my husband. I had to eliminate things where stress was involved and I also had to focus on Antonio more. He is only young once. At the end of the day, guys… We aren’t competing we are just trying to make sense of this all. WE are no better than the person next to us. WE are one in this together. Be kind to one another, I promise it will go a long way.. You never know what someone is going through! You are NOT alone!!!