My Story: A Single Mom While Raising An Autistic Child

I never thought divorce was in my future. I never did. Here I am now. However, I realize I have been taking care of my son now for quite some time, so it doesn’t feel any different. The only aspect out of the ordinary is that we aren’t living together, and I don’t have the love I did before.  Parenting is challenging, period, but it is especially hard when you are co-parenting or being a single mother.

We try to co-parent, but it has been tough. It’s hard to communicate and enforce parenting skills for both of us, especially with an autistic kid. I want to talk more; it is so difficult for all three of us now to be on the same page. What I have come to realize is that we are all human and need to all take care of one another and be adults. Put all the other stuff to the side and parent. Even though we try to co-parent as much as possible, there are still a ton of struggles and elements that are hard as a single parent.


I love my son, would do anything for him, and always will, period. It has been tough trying to manage and juggle his therapy, life, a business, and adulting. You truly start to see all we take for granted. I have learned how to accept things for what they are and do it myself. I can do everything myself and do not need anyone.

When I knew were going through a divorce, I told my son’s school and asked them to watch for clues that he needed help or wasn’t behaving properly. But he seemed to adjust okay, so we didn’t have to worry about that too much. The main focus is making sure we all communicate.

We are on a schedule and pattern; we keep the flow of things going smoothly. I make sure that we all know the importance of our routine. My son is a very structured person, so when something is off, he can sense it and needs preparation for that change.

We use visuals whenever possible. We started using a chart that shows if our boy is going with dad or mom or school. This measure has been such a big factor in helping us all. I make sure to tell him we are going to daddy’s soon, so it helps him mentally and emotionally prepare for it.

Since he is nonverbal, we must always use a lot of sign language. He is smart and understands so much. If you ask questions, he can respond with a yes or no or with what he wants. He has a strong understanding, and we keep learning and growing. I incorporate at home what he learns at his school so that we keep increasing his progress.  

If you are nearly a single mother, know that you are not alone. Know that you can handle whatever life might throw at you, from all the issues in the house to kid troubles to work problems. You have it all under control and can do amazing things.

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Tips to Help Your Autistic Child Survive the Holidays

Parties are always a hard time for an autistic child. I know my son gets overwhelmed for festivities or in large groups. He will start to stim and be “in his world.” Plus, he will not interact with anyone, and people wonder what is wrong with him or why he doesn’t say “hi” to them.

I wanted others to understand that it is okay, and here are some great tips to cope.

  1. Prepare Your Child: Keep your child updated. Let them know months before and the time leading up to the party. Reiterate to them weeks and days prior so that they understand and can ready themselves for the celebrations. I let my son use his ‘calendar planner.’
  2. Choose a Familiar Venue: This step might be tough, but try to make it as easy as possible. We live out of town, but still visit grandma and grandpa’s home often. Let your child know if they need to travel (like we do), how long it will take to get there, and where it will be taking place. Help them prepare by stating “remember when we went here.”  I let my son play on his ipad.
  3. Limit the Number of Guests: This point may also be difficult to do, but know that you need to have a list and let your family/friends know that if they can limit the number of attendees, it might benefit your child better. Help your child be ready for the guests by saying, “remember your cousin, Billy.”
  4. Stick to Your Party End Time: Keep festivities short and sweet. Too much party time can cause your child overstimulation or aggression. I always tell my son we have x minutes, and we will be going home at x time. This acknowledgment allows him to enjoy himself before we leave. Reassuring any child with autism is always the best measure so that they can cope before the action happens.
  5. Maintain Your Schedule: Having a schedule at a celebration can happen. Try to keep eating on track. Bring some snacks or a meal so that your child doesn’t get upset if necessary.

All of these factors might be hard to accomplish, but try to prepare your child as much as you can. Sticking to this checklist can improve and brace them mentally.

austim holidays

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Autism: Positive Parenting Makes the Difference

Life has a tendency to throw a lot at us. We all are going through some obstacle at one point or another and manage to pull it all together. I see this more and more everyday. When my son was diagnosed with autism, I felt lost and sorry for us. I wanted people to feel sorry for us. I felt like I was alone and no one else could understand.

Then, I started to notice so many people, moms included, going through their own struggles. I witnessed people going through infertility and felt bad for them. I observed moms who’s kids had been sick or in ICU after birth. We all face some hardship in our lives and should not compare each person’s problems. Every issue is so different and unique that we can’t say “oh she doesnt understand what I am going through or even care.”

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People tell me all the time I am so positive. Well, why should we be negative? I try to make the best of a situation whenever I can and stop being so hard on myself and those around me. The truth is that I am so hard on people sometimes. I am so hard on Antonio’s teachers.. my parents.. my husband… even Antonio. All because we can’t get him to talk or make the progress that he needs. So what do I do? I take my frustration out on someone else by being rude, mean, or just thinking I know it all (but I don’t).

Recently, I wasn’t happy with Antonio’s progress. I decided to take matters into my own hands. I literally hold him like a baby and let him watch my lips while I make different noises or sounds. Next, I allow him to imitate me to get the results that I want. I thought, “it can’t be that hard. Why aren’t they doing it at his speech?”

But there is one difference here… I am his mom. I am able to give him that comfort and love. I am his best friend. I am his go to person. He tried so hard to do all the things that I was doing. He made good progress. I again was wondering why they couldn’t get anywhere with him? I knew it was because I had the advantage of being his mom.

The other element I add is to be loud… and I make sure to really be annoying trying to get him to talk. I am silly and loud all the time. I don’t care if people look at us or laugh, etc. It is what works for us. I narrate situations constantly so he can understand and at least try to communicate whenever possible.

See, we all have some challenge and are all hard on one another. Just live in the moment and get excited when some small success happens. When Antonio made the same noise back, I gave hugs and kisses and he was super happy and smiling. Who cares about blaming someone. At the end of the day, we are all trying and have the same goal.

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How Sign Language Has Helped Us

Since my son has been diagnosed with autism, it has been hard to get through to him. He is nonverbal and has been for most of his life. We have tried everything but end up getting frustrated. Since he joined ABA, we know now that sign language can work; we just have to keep working to learn and know how to use sign language.

That was our biggest problem, or mine rather. I couldn’t follow through because I wanted to give up. I wanted to just get him to talk and thought I could do so by skipping a step. But when I look back on it, I see that this was an important step. In fact, most babies sign before they reach toddler age. So in order to really move forward, we needed to use sign language for him to communicate.

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We tried it for a while, but it didn’t work. When he was in ABA he would pick up on things much better and easier there just because they knew what they were doing and could dedicate time. It’s hard when you are a mother and have a million things going on or just give into your child so you can get other tasks done. It is a constant toss up.

Once we really started to use signs, it made all of our lives so much easier. Whenever someone else watches him, we make sure they are using the signs. Before sign language, there was a lot of frustration and getting mad (from both of us). Now, we can really understand each other. I ask him if he wants more and he shows me the sign for more, please. I mean, that is incredible.

Autistic or not, there are so many great reasons to teach your child sign language and really help them to understand.

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Birthday Gifts For Three Year Old Toddlers

My son is turning THREE soon, y’all THREE!!!! I can not believe it, but it has been such a fun time going through the past two years. I can’t wait to see what the next year holds for us!

I put together a list of items that are educational and fun for him to have for his birthday gifts. We like to always make sure that the toys are practical and are going to help him, especially being autistic. We know that he LOVES all of these items (from daycare and other misc toys). I hope that you can enjoy these fun interactive learning toys!

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  1. Toddler Musical Instruments- Ehome 15 Types 22pcs Wooden Percussion Instruments Toy for Kids Preschool Educational, Musical Toys Set for Boy
  2. Preschool Educational Toy Wooden Balance Scale Toy with 6 Weights for Kids
  3. Kennedy Toddler Learn to Dress Boards Early Learning Basic Life Skills Toy- Zip, Snap, Button, Buckle, Lace & Tie 6 pcs/set 
  4. Wipe Clean Workbook Tracing and Pen Control (Wipe Clean Workbooks) 
  5. Wipe Clean Workbook Tracing and Pen Control (Wipe Clean Workbooks) 
  6. Award Winning Hape Double Rainbow Stacker Wooden Ring Set Toddler Game 
  7. Peg Board Stacking Toddler Toys – Lacing Fine Motor Skills Montessori Toys for 2, 3, 4, 5 Year Old Girls and Boys
  8. Melissa & Doug Spray, Squirt & Squeegee Play Set – Pretend Play Cleaning Set 
  9. Melissa & Doug Shape Sorting Clock – Wooden Educational Toy 
  10. Melissa & Doug My First Daily Magnetic Calendar
  11. Melissa & Doug Food Groups – 21 Hand-Painted Wooden Pieces and 4 Crates 
  12. Melissa & Doug Band-in-a-Box Clap! Clang! Tap! – 10-Piece Musical Instrument Set 

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The Top 5 Items For An Autism Preschooler

We have been prepping for pre-school behind the scenes. The truth is, I am a nervous anxious mama. Like all mom’s I am sure. However, I just don’t think my son is ready, so I decided to do some research and find somethings that can help Antonio get ready for preschool. These items help with the fine motor, gross motor, and even the letter and number recognition. They have been working wonderfully for us, and I know fellow mama’s could appreciate this!

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Do you have something that we are missing out on and you know we would enjoy? Comment below and let us check it out!

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Help Your Nonverbal Child Communicate with PECS

The truth is when you have a kid who isn’t talking, you are beyond frustrated. You see kids his age talking and you just wish you were up to that level. But then you take a step back from this make believe world, and realize all you have is non-verbal communication. Through strategies and time, we will get there.

Antonio’s ABA teacher has given us so many great options for getting him to communicate with us. Every time a new idea is suggested, I get overwhelmed because I wonder if it will be effective and how it is really going to work.

One of the new steps that we have tried is PECS (picture exchange communication system). This has been proven to help children communicate and talk. So, basically what it entails is printing out pictures of items that we use everyday and laminating them.

Whenever he wants to communicate, he has to hand us the card and we say the correlating word and take the card from him. This form of communication has worked incredibly well for food times and daily activities (bath time, vitamins, etc). We even have it down to a pattern now that he knows the correct order each component happens in!

Though he isn’t communicating verbally, this has helped us to keep the frustration at bay because we both know what he wants now. It is a great feeling! At first, I thought this was a dumb idea without much merit. But when I saw great results, I knew that this system was leading us in the right direction.

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When Your Child With Autism Goes to School; Navigating the System and Building Your Team (Part 2: 11 Tips to Team Success)

Keeping the points from my previous post in mind, here are some things you can do to make your school experience with your child with Autism the best possible journey.

  1. Educate yourself.  Before you go into your first meeting with your school, learn about your school district/division, state/province policies, procedures and beliefs around high needs learners. This will allow you to go into the meeting knowing your rights and your limitations regarding what you can expect for your kiddo.  It will guide your questioning, and will let the school team see that you are a savvy parent.
  2. Before meeting with the school team, have conversations with your autism support providers.  Your SLP, OT, PT, Autism Support Worker, medical team… everyone who works with your kiddo.  Some of these services may no longer be able to provide services as there will be people within the school system who will provide services instead.  IF this is the case, ask for a TRANSITION MEETING which INCLUDES you.  Transition meetings ensure that information is passed from one specialist to another.  Your presence at the meeting will give you the advantage of knowledge so that you can continue to support the service and so that you can have input into where changes might be needed.
  3. Talk to the Special Educator, Principal or professional who is designated in charge of special programming.  Find out what you can expect regarding a TEAM approach.  Many schools have mandates for team approaches.  Not all schools follow through with a full team approach.  By knowing what to expect, and by knowing the school district/division expectations, you will be empowered to request the level of team collaboration that you are entitled to and comfortable with.  Team meetings are time consuming to set up and take a great deal of coordination as many professionals have huge case loads.  But don’t let this deter you! Be as flexible and accommodating as you can, but make sure meetings are happening.  Set the next meeting at the end of the current one while everyone is at the table.  Generally there will be a team leader that takes care of this, but if they forget or omit to do it, bring it up!
  4. Ask for notes and  keep a file.  You are entitled to copies of any notes from team meetings, so ask for a copy and take your own notes to be sure you remember discussions.  Sometimes time spans between meetings can be great and people may forget discussions.  Having your own notes empowers you to help keep the team on track.
  5. Get copies of professional reports and assessments for your file. Specialist reports will be available to you at some level. Professionals who do assessments have different protocols regarding sharing of information.  There are also some types of reports where numbers and scores cannot be shared.  (This is to your advantage, so respect it! Sharing of numbers increases the risk that people who aren’t trained to interpret scores might get hold of them and misinterpret them or breach confidentiality!)  But get copies of whatever you can, especially the recommendations for programming!  SIGN whatever sharing agreements are necessary between your current service providers and the school so that they can work collaboratively and make sure that programming continues uninterrupted and confidentiality is respected.
  6. ASK QUESTIONS.  Go into your meetings with questions as opposed to demands.  Questions are less harsh, but still get to the point of your concerns. Your team will be receptive.  Demands have the effect of putting people on the defensive which makes for difficult team dynamics. Asking questions gives you the opportunity to hear what people’s ideas and plans are, and ensures that all team members are hearing what others think, and have the opportunity to give their input.  (See www.empoweredparentplan.com for a downloadable list of questions you can ask or adapt to your needs.)
  7. You will probably be asked to sign a form which outlines your child’s goals and program.  Make sure you understand it, and ask for clarification before signing.  These program plans are mandated in most school districts/divisions and are legal documents.  Please understand that they take a huge amount of time and coordination to put together, and that the person who’s preparing them probably is preparing a lot of them.  There may be mistakes or things left out.  Checking before signing is diligent, and will be helpful in making sure that things are clear.  Going forward, focus your discussions around that plan.  Copies of the plan should be shared with you and with anyone working with your child.  Most of these plans are “living documents” which means they are not written in stone.  If you think something’s not working, have a meeting to change the plan.
  8. IF there is a change in schools because of a move or moving up grades, or if a team member changes within the school, make sure that a transition meeting is held.  There should be a transition process for your child as well so that they understand the change and are not surprised/upset by it.  In my experience, sometimes things happen quickly and the school may not have thought about or had time for a transition.  Feel free to bring up the idea and ask how the change can be eased for your child. Social stories are a great strategy for transitions.
  9. Educational Associates or Teacher Aides, (whatever your school district calls paraprofessionals hired to support your child’s programming), are a great resource for your child, but they are not the teacher. Not all students with high needs will have full paraprofessional support.  It’s not always needed.  Sometimes it is needed, but budgets are tight and the school is unable to provide additional supports.  This can be a touchy subject.  First of all, realize that your child’s primary educator needs to be the teacher.  If other students or a paraprofessional are able to give some additional help that is perfect.  But make sure that decisions are being made and that your communication occurs WITH the teacher.  Some teachers feel inadequate when working with high needs kids because they have little experience or training with the specific special need, and are inclined to give a lot of responsibility to paraprofessionals who have the best of intentions, but may not have any training or experience with Autism. Teachers have a team of other professionals around them who can support and advise them.  Children with Autism often become very attached to and comfortable with a paraprofessional, which is great in so many ways.  Difficulty working with anyone other than the aide is not good for your child.  If they will only work for one particular aide, and there is a change, your child may have difficulty.  Paraprofessionals can also be assigned to work with OTHER students freeing the teacher to work with your child. I would never undervalue the role of the paraprofessional because I know from experience how an Aide in the classroom can be a life saver for the teacher and a huge asset to the child.  But as a parent, as much as you can, encourage your child’s learning flexibility and being given social and learning opportunities with PEERS, and some time with the teacher and perhaps other assistants, not just socializing all day with one particular adult. The paraprofessional should be a facilitator of social interactions, not a replacement for them.
  10. 10.You know your child best.  It’s not a bad idea to remind others of that sometimes.  On the other hand, your child may not behave the same at school as at home for a variety of reasons (another whole blog post for this).  Sometimes parenting kids with ASD can be so exhausting for parents that they slowly, slowly start giving in on more and more things.  It’s easier to give in than to fight, and you’ve got your kiddo 24/7. This is your reality.  It may not hurt to consider how the school is addressing things differently, and to carry that strategy into the home.
  11. 11.In my work with high needs kids, my biggest belief is that if we can give them nothing else, we should at the very least give kids what they want/need most in life, and that is Social Opportunity.  What we all want for our kids is for them to have friends and be loved, valued and included.  This is the gift of inclusion.  In the final analysis, whether or not your kiddo can name the food groups is much less important than whether or not s/he can live, work and play with others peacefully and be truly part of a group.  I could go ON and ON on this point.  In my view peers are not other high needs kids.  Peer groups should be a reflection of everyday society, including people of all abilities and needs.  My personal bias I know, but also the belief of many individuals and groups who work with high needs individuals.  There may be a place for some time in individual program work where life or communication skills can be learned and practiced away from the group.  But in general, your kiddo needs to learn to exist in the world.  And that can only be learned through practice.  We are social beings, and social learners. Even kids with Autism desire social contact because it is innate in all of us!  But they have trouble with it.  Social anxiety is often the underlying cause of this, and there are ways to address this if we try.  But being removed from social situations does not help.  Preparing for social situations is key.

I’ve said so much here and I fear it may be overwhelming.  I’m truly passionate about this topic and believe that children with ASD are a joy and a privilege to know and work with. I also know that they can be very challenging. When you enter the school system and through life, you are your kiddo’s #1 advocate.  Your engaged, informed involvement in his/her education will be a great gift both to your child and to the team working with him/her.  Know your rights, and expect them.  Be gentle but assertive with your team mates (they’re also trying their best!) to make the best possible collaborative work toward your child’s learning.  The value you will gain from everyone putting their efforts into the child (rather than into working against each other or constantly trying to establish a workable team) will pay off greatly.

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FACEBOOK Empowered Parent Plan~ Twitter @MpoweredparNT~ Instagram mpoweredparent ~ Pinterest Roberta Luchinski

Contact roberta@empoweredparentplan.com

BIO- Roberta Luchinski is the Owner/Facilitator of Empowered Parent Plan.  She helps busy parents prevent, respond to and change their kiddo’s difficult behaviours.  Roberta uses positive parenting strategies and brain based methods tried and true from her experience as a Mom, Grandma and 30 years of Educator experience. Roberta holds an MEd in Educational Psychology and has worked with diverse students as a Classroom Teacher, a Diversity Teacher, a Special Educator and a Consultant.

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My kid isn’t Attached To Me; It’s The Other Way Around

The problem is that with an autism toddler, I can’t let him do what he wants because he doesn’t understand. I don’t expect people to feel bad for us or treat us any differently. But I know it appears that my son is attached to me because I am watching his every move.

When he goes to play with others I have to watch him and make sure that he is understanding things. I have to make sure that he isn’t throwing a tantrum or isn’t making other children mad. See we don’t communicate well. If there are stairs, I have to make sure he doesn’t try to go down them without me. It is a constant battle to try to get him to understand.

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When he starts to get nervous or scared, he will take my hand and point or walk me towards whatever it is that is making him feel uncomfortable.
I imagine this is all part of parenting, but I don’t know any different. Autism or not we all have to watch our kid and be a parent. But I feel like I’m doing it while other people are looking and judging.

The other day we went to a kids gathering event. I know the people there, but it still makes me nervous. I want to make sure that my child is behaving well. Sometimes, he goes up to others and takes toys or food away from them. People will say hi, and instead of responding, he will ignore and run away. They probably think my child is rude or mean, but that isn’t even the case. I like to tell people why he does these things to help them become aware of this; especially if they are kids.

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View some of our favorite items for autistic kids.

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  2. elmo letters
  3. cookie drop roll 
  4. potty songs 

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How ABA Has Helped My Autism Child

With Antonio going to ABA full time now, I find myself seeing some prgression and regression at the same time. I can’t beat myself up about it and I can’t study why or how because it is only natural and will happen. I have to be patient and let things just happen.

All of these small milestones that he has accomplished this week seem like it would be common for kids at a much younger age than Antonio’s age, but we can’t compare kids like this. I like to share our milestones for others who might be going through something similar.

  1. He can brush his teeth!! Without actually hating it!! I still guide his hand a little bit but before we had to literally hold him down. We are now working on adding in new steps soon (like putting it away, etc). This has been a HUGE help!
  2. He does the sign for more then points at what he wants!! This is mega huge he could either do one or the other but never both at once. It is a two step process which is great and is a form of non-verbal communication.
  3. He sits (when asked and for long periods!!!). His attention is is there and he sits when asked, this makes me so happy knowing that her can sit and do some activities together. He can hold attention longer if something new is introduced and is exciting.
  4. He picks up toys and puts them  away when asked. We make him clean up his toys by picking up toys and putting into his toy box. We can do this for a ton of toys and actually be attentive! So we end up turning it into a fun game!!

All of these things we tried to do when he wasn’t in ABA, but it wasn’t consistent. Now, we are able to communicate non verbally! It is amazing how things have progressed and I can’t wait to see more of what will happen!

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