How to Protect Yourself At All Times

November 7, 2019November 8, 20202 Comments

Since going through a divorce, I have realized that I need to be able to cover myself and my family. I needed to step up mentally for myself and my son. I do not trust anyone, right now, and don’t know if I ever will again. When I say mentally, what I mean is change my mindset. You see when you change your mindset and realize that you have happiness right in front of you.

Going through a divorce caused me to make a lot of changes, changes that needed to be made. I am thankful for these these changes as they have helped me become the person that I needed to be. For so long I felt like I wasn’t the Susie most people knew and I was lost. It was because I let go of myself.

When you think you can trust someone and all the things go wrong, you learn real fast to protect yourself. Whether you are going through a divorce, or just are going through things, there are a few things you can do to protect yourself:

Get everything in writing: This is key, you need to make sure that you are always watching your shoulder. Anything of any importance needs to be always documented. This will protect you so much in the long run.
Bite your tongue: There will be drama, but you need to know it doesn’t matter. Just bite your tongue and let the he/she said crap go away. No one cares about it in court.
Watch who you talk to: I deleted a TON of people out of my life. This doesn’t mean necessarily deleting off social media, but rather not talking to them about anything that could harm myself. If you decide to talk mutual people, just keep what is going on to yourself.
Do not lie: I don’t ever lie period. SO this is a no brainer to me. But if you have everything in writing there is no way to lie.
Have a mentor: Someone you can help you, and listen. Whenever I wanted to react to something I would call this person and they would talk me out of doing something stupid. This person could be a sibling, best friend, or parent. You want to make sure that it is someone you can trust.
Hire a lawyer: My lawyer bill is HIGH. But I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way simply because I never went through this before so I did not know what to expect. I had to ask tons of questions and send tons of information including screenshots and it all added up.

You need to protect yourself at all times, since there is going to be so much going on. You have to “do you” and take care of you that is it. Do not second guess yourself AT ALL. You will get through this hardest time of your life, do not worry.

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9 Ways A Divorce Made Me Better

September 16, 20196 Comments

I used to think that getting a divorce was so horrible and that I would never go through it. The truth is so many people have gone through it and it is ‘normal.’ Even though I completely disagree with it, but I guess people change.

What I have learned since being on my own and going through a divorce has been an amazing feeling. You feel like you have hit the wall somedays but other days you feel on top of the world. Here a few ways divorce made me a better person:

independence: say goodbye to those days when you need a handy man. There were times when I wish I had one… My toilet was clogged one day and it literally was stuck. My lawn mower didn’t start. You name it, I went through it. Sometimes I asked for help, other times I prayed, and other times I youtube. Through it all I realized nothing is ever as bad as it seems, and to take deep breaths, because it all will pass.
new friendships: I was ashamed at first to tell people about my divorce. Actually people started to open and become my friends. They all had stories of something similar to them or their family. I made a ton of new friends and realized that I could rely on them for venting, hanging out, etc. It is a great feeling.
better finances: I am still working on this, however… I know that I am doing much better than when we were together. I am able to not have to worry about every single little transaction that has been made. I used to hate when my ex would go to the gas station, or stores, literally ten times a day. Little things add up. I am able to really budget and be frugal the way I want to.

reconnections: Again, I was ashamed or embarrassed at first, so I didn’t share with a lot of people. As time went on I knew that I was fine, and I opened up. I connected with a lot of old friends. These friends were people that I haven’t talked to in years, but still did care. Being out of state with my hometown friends was always hard but now I talk a lot more to some of them that matter.
self love: For far too long, I let people bring me down or I would second guess myself. I learned that I am worthy and that I really love my personality and self. I learned that I like my body and that is that. If anyone wants to tell me different, then I just close them out, I don’t allow that negativity to enter my world.
time management: since being a single mom I need to be extra careful about time. Every single minute, hour, and second, matters. If I am in the car waiting, I try to get whatever needs to be done, done. I learned that grocery pick up is amazing and so is the drive through pharmacy. There are so many great things I have done for time management.
confidence: when I started to see that I don’t need any man in my life, I realized I was worthy and can do all things. It might sound rough to say that, but it is the truth. I stopped second guessing myself and I stopped questioning things. I realized that all along I have been diligent, smart, and worthy. I will not ever let anyone treat me the way I have been treated in the past.
motherhood: With all the above, and more, I was able to take care of my son and devoted much more time and love to him. I focused on making sure that I could be the best possible mother for my son. Regardless of what his dad does or says, I know that I can control how I raise my son.
freedom: There is a lot to this. I don’t mean I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. Rather I can be free, that I don’t have to feel guilty if I am late from work, or if I am working, or if I am not cooking or cleaning for one day. As a wife and mother I felt like I was in the constant stress and battle with all of that, and now I don’t have to worry about any of that; I go at my own pace.

So if you are going through a divorce, or already have, know that you are not alone. There are tons of people who have gone through it, and it can make you better if you let it. I stopped over thinking about the good times, the bad times and what could of been and focused on myself. This helped me become a better person, and happier. If you aren’t happy with yourself no one else can EVER make you happy. Truth bomb.

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What I Love About Being a Single Mom

June 14, 2019June 9, 201919 Comments

You know when you are no longer married or have your best friend near you, you start to find and discover yourself all over again. I married young; I was 20 when I tied the knot. I never fully had the experience and independence that most people do in those years because of being married. For 11 years and then some, I thought he was the one and went head over heels for him.

The truth of the matter is that at first, I was, of course, sad and scared when I realized the divorce was going to happen. I felt alone and mad. Despite that, I had to change my mindset. I had to change what I was thinking and figure out how to overcome and gain closure.

Once I started to work on my mindset, I realized that I love being on my own. I LOVE IT!

Leftovers. I have found that I can save money by eating leftovers. I will actually eat them until they are gone and not mind! Rather than eating them to save money, why waste food?!
No need to cook anything fancy. I don’t need to make full entrees and fancy food that will sit in the fridge for days and be wasted. I used to cook so much, never eat the remainder, and end up throwing it out. Now, some days I don’t really cook at all. We might have sandwiches, pizza, or chicken nuggets. I try to keep our food balanced, don’t get me wrong, but there are days we spoil that a little.
No one to complain. There is nothing worse than coming home after a long day and being nagged. I love being able to wake up in the morning on my own, have those moments alone, and clear my head mentally so I can prep for a great day.
No real need to worry. If the house isn’t clean or the laundry isn’t done, I don’t have to worry about feeling guilty and rushing to tidy. I don’t have to ask for help; I can just do it whenever I get around to it.
Better finances. I know that I don’t go out and spend my money foolishly on anything that I don’t need. The desire to go to the gas station and the store all the time to be happy and spend money vanished. I can manage my money and budget quite well now.
New friendships. When you go through a divorce, you lose friends or remove them from your life because you don’t want to choose sides. You must find new friends that can relate to what you are going through. I have made so many new friends that I couldn’t even imagine living without them.

I have learned to embrace the whole divorce journey and being on my own. You need to find the beauty in a new chapter; otherwise, you will live a miserable life for the rest of your days. I can live the way I want to without feeling bad or guilty about it now.

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What NOT to Say to Someone Going Through a Divorce

May 29, 2019May 31, 2019Leave a comment

Going through a divorce is tough. It doesn’t get easier for a long, long, long time. Here’s the thing I couldn’t tell many people about what I was going through at first because I was embarrassed and didn’t want people to feel bad for me. At first, I felt bad for myself and my family, etc. Yes, family, because once you are with someone for so long, they become that family too.

But, once circumstances started to move forward into motion, I realized that it is not as bad as it seems. I will be fine. I will work through and be happy somehow. Changes had to be made to move forward; it just took time.

Here are some things that I HATED people saying to me.

The grass is greener – like what? That’s great; it’s going to be fine, I get that. But right now, I can’t even see straight. I feel sick to my stomach and can’t even sleep. My heart is broken and torn into a million pieces. So, while it may be greener, it will take time to heal.
There are other fish in the sea – UHH okay. Yes, there are, but now I have to find someone AGAIN, and I am already in my 30’s. I have to let him know what I like physically, emotionally, sexually, etc. Who has time for all that when you were with your ex for so long?
I’m so sorry – My response is always, “me too.” Do you think I am not sorry and don’t feel bad? Don’t you think that I wish things could have been different? Are you going to help me get through this? Or do you just feel sorry?
You are better off without him/her – How? That person was there for me during everything for however long. Right now, I have no one. How can I pick up all of those pieces? This statement goes back to the ‘grass is greener;’ it will get better in time. But that person was a part of my life for soooo long that I still can’t see myself without him/her.
Protect yourself – Get a lawyer and take everything from the person. What? He is still the father of my son, a person, and has worked hard. We were a partnership, and we deserve equal shares.
You will be fine – Yes, I will be fine, but when? Right now I am not, and my family is not. So, thanks for letting me know.
It’s his loss – Is it, truly? I think it’s both of our losses. We both have lost each other and everything we have worked for during that time.
50% of marriages end anyway – This one is REALLY foolish to me. It bothers me. Yeah, but I never thought it would be me. People never think it’s going to happen to them. Yeah, I get that, but really? That doesn’t make it okay or make me feel any better.

Instead of saying those phrases, try using these.

You are strong
You are confident
Time will heal
Take care of you
Bible verses have helped a lot.
Offer solutions or help
I am proud of you

 For anyone going through a divorce, it sucks. Even if you have gone through one, don’t say the pieces above; it doesn’t help. Find ways to uplift the person and make them laugh. The last thing we want to do is cry more or think about someone else. We need friends, support, and to feel like we can be independent and get through life. When I started going through a divorce, I had one friend send me bible verses or inspirational quotes every day. If any of my friends or family sent me any negative things or screenshots of what was happening in his life, I would ask them to stop. You need to get over it and let go because the sooner you do, the sooner life works out.

So, the next time you want to make any of these remarks to someone who is going through a divorce, be positive and uplift them instead. Let them know you care and will be there for them!

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How to Regain Confidence After a Divorce

May 27, 2019May 31, 20194 Comments

The time after a divorce is by far the hardest, ever. I am still trying to wrap my head around all of this. One day I am in denial and the next, acceptance. It is going through a ton of emotions. I feel happy and confident one day, then the next day, I experience the lowest self-esteem.

I feel like I am not good enough and haven’t ever been good enough. Internally, I am still struggling with a lot that needs to be taken care of, but I know that I am an okay person, and so is my ex. We merely didn’t get along and had different goals.

The building or regaining of your confidence after a divorce is no different than building and regaining your confidence after any major life event. Start taking the necessary steps to pick up the pieces of your life and begin to rebuild it and move forward. You are in charge, and you need to understand that first and foremost.

There are six general stages of recovering after a divorce. You will go through them all. It is the same process as when you lose someone to death, but I personally think this is much harder. We have to cope and overcome; forgive yourself and the other person. YES, the other person. I highly recommend going to counseling or therapy for your own sake. It will help you as a person.

After the general stages, you come to the steps for recovery. This process is where you begin to build your confidence, slowly. Each person is different, and there will be some different thoughts on how to regain that confidence.

The Mind: Your mind has to overcome a lot of obstacles. For months, I overthought everything day in and day out. How did I let the thoughts go? A few ways. I started to go to church weekly so that I could regain my faith. This action helped me a TON. I, of course, still went to see my therapist. This step always helps me because I can talk about whatever and get experience and thoughts about how to move forward.
Let it Go: You literally have to let go of everything in the past. You didn’t do anything wrong, it is what it is, and you need to let it go. There will come a time when you are ready to let it go; it took me about four months before I was really able to do so. It happened when I realized there was nothing I could do, and needed to focus on my future instead of the past and my ex.
Refocus: You need to put your focus on something besides your divorce ending. I put my focus on myself and my son. By doing this, I was able to focus on my business and the growth of my son. I realized that this was more important than anything and my son needed mommy to focus.
Reinvent Yourself: Now is the time to find yourself again. If you always had doubts, goals, or dreams, now is the time to capitalize on those. I knew that I wanted my business now more than ever. I was not going to stop at all. I realized that I needed to get things done on my own and figure out what I liked and didn’t like. It was a time for me to reconnect with old friends and have fun.

Know that things happen; we cannot live our lives unhappily. I still do not understand how this can happen to this day, but I look forward now and let it be. I let go of all of those thoughts and realized I could only change and work on myself and not someone else. Have you ever gone through a divorce? Did you overcome it?

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How to See the Signs of a Divorce Early On

May 22, 2019May 24, 2019Leave a comment

You can always save your marriage as long as two people are willing. That is what they used to tell me. I don’t know if that is true anymore; I don’t know much. I thought the other person would always want to fight for their marriage.

Do you usually see the signs? Sometimes. But, we never think anything of it until it’s too late. You can search online for a million reasons or explanations, but I have first-hand experience with the state of an emotional divorce. (It’s going to emotional no matter what.)

When I look back now, I see that there were signs, but I didn’t pay attention. Why? Because we think it can never happen and we are meant to be together forever. Or so we think. What honestly is forever? How do people stay together?

I grew up with my family being successful and not having any divorces. It was something about how we were raised. I was raised to believe you can work through anything. Yes, even an affair. But both parties have to WANT to and have to forgive. I guess I always had that mentality which is why I never thought divorce was an option.

What are the signs?

– [ ] No date nights

– [ ] Lack of communication

– [ ] Arguing about small things

– [ ] Not listening to each other

– [ ] Constant nagging

– [ ] Not agreeing on much

– [ ] Not doing things as a family

– [ ] No actual support for one another

– [ ] No friends/support

– [ ] No hobbies

Two people need to understand how a marriage works and what the goals are in all fields: financial, career, family, marriage, etc. We can all get so caught up in life and work that we do not realize what is in front of us. Getting older allows us to recognize the importance of taking time out regularly for ourselves, our family, our career, and our spouse. You see how our spouse is last. They should be first, or at least after ourselves anyway. We run out of time, and we are drained and tired.

You can come up with a million excuses and reasons for anything in life. We both seemed to do that in our marriage and weren’t on the same page. Maybe it was because of my special needs son, or perhaps it was because we didn’t see eye to eye. Whatever it is, it sucked.

When you marry someone, you think you can work through anything, and it is going to be glamorous. No, it’s not. There will come a time for everyone when you need to pick what to do. Fight and get help with your marriage or walk away. Before you walk away, look at the signs. Look at how it is being played out. If there is a lack of communication – why? Take that time to sit down at the dinner table after the kids go to bed and TALK. Talk about anything other than work.

I think one of the biggest hurdles for me is what else do we talk about besides work and kids? Being older now, those two topics consume my conversations. What about the other subjects? Put together a list of ideas you want to talk about besides the standard adult stuff. I wish I had done this before my marriage crumbled. You can do it and attempt to save yours before it’s too late.

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Surviving Your First Holiday Alone

May 20, 2019September 14, 2019Leave a comment

The first holiday time with your family after a divorce will be the hardest. You will get blank stares. People will want to ask but don’t even know what to say. You will think people are staring at you and judging you quietly. You will be over thinking, wondering what they know and if they are going to judge you.

You see how happy they are and wonder what the heck went wrong. But then someone comes up to you and tells you a story and you know it’s fine. Their story is about whatever is happening in their life and not about yours because they don’t care about yours. They want you to know that they aren’t judging you and you had to do what you had to do.

Honestly, I have always been hard on myself and always over-thought everything. The truth is people don’t care as much as we think they do. I keep telling myself it honestly does take two, and sometimes it is merely what it is, and it’s time to move forward.

Then… You get a call from your ex’s family to make you even more anxious and mad. You don’t know what to say other than, “Happy Easter.” The biggest phrase people always say is, ‘how are you?’ Do you want the truth or a fake statement? Fake = I am okay. Truth = I want to beep beep beeep beeeep beeeep. But I take the higher road and know that no one else needs to know our drama.

All this time, I thought no one cared or that people were talking about me. Honestly, people know it can happen, and it does take two sometimes. The best advice I can give you is to let it go and enjoy this moment. Stop over-thinking. When you are with your family, know they are ‘on your side’ and genuinely do care.

People want you to be happy. No one is going to really care about your story. Divorces happen more often than we know and others just want you to be happy. And, all in time, you will be.

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I Was Too Busy for My Husband; My Marriage Crashed

May 15, 2019May 18, 2019Leave a comment

There comes a time in life when things change and don’t go as planned and when life takes a turn for the worst. That time for me was a divorce. I look back and try to see what I could have fixed and done differently, but there wasn’t much. I have a new perspective now.

My son came first, and my marriage crashed. Read that again. Yes, I put my son first, and my marriage collapsed. I knew my husband needed me, but I didn’t know what he needed. I felt like I had to take care of my son and let my husband go through whatever he needed to in the meantime. When I had a mental break down, I needed my time and couldn’t relate at all to my husband.

There were many issues that I see now. It takes two, and I do not blame myself for all of it, but I do know that I worked so hard to focus on myself, business, and son. I didn’t know what to do when my ex went through a bad state of mind. I offered support and help, but I honestly didn’t know what to do nor how to accept and understand things. Our lives are so crazy as wives, parents, etc. We know that everything else always comes first, and it’s tough. I never gave him the attention he needed. I worked hard day and night because I needed to.

Other factors caused our marriage to fall apart as well. I do not need to get all into it, but the truth is, I literally felt like I had to hold my family together, so he could come out on top and get over whatever funk he was going through. I could have done things differently. I was tired and focused on what I needed to do. But truth be told, things happen for a reason. I am not sure why it played out the way that it did, but it did. I might not ever understand it, but we get through whatever life throws at us, right?

Some professionals could have helped him. I know I was his wife, but I couldn’t understand what he was dealing with or how to fix anything OR even realized how bad he was until it was too late. I let him down, and I own that. However, I didn’t let myself or my son down, and sometimes things work out for a reason we don’t know yet. It takes two, and communication is key. I didn’t catch a lot of things when he was in his negative state of mind. We could have communicated better and tried to get help sooner, but there is an explanation for why it happened this way. I can’t go back; I can only look forward.

When I went through a mental breakdown, I didn’t know what I was feeling or doing. I shut my ex-husband out at that point because I was scared and embarrassed. After seeking help, I came out fine; I thought the same could happen to him. I guess males are different than females. When I got help, I felt happier and more like myself. I felt like I was able to live again. To this day, I still see a counselor because it allows me to gather my thoughts and work on myself. After all, if we aren’t content with ourselves, can we be happy with anyone else?

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Marriage: When/How to Know It’s Time to Let Go

May 8, 2019May 11, 2019Leave a comment

When it is time to let go.

There are only some parts of life you can change or fix. You cannot correct someone else or their problems. Rather, you can only fix yourself and work on yourself. If the other person isn’t wanting to make changes or move forward, then there is nothing you can do. I have to say that I am all about self-development. I don’t mind going to counseling, etc. So, if the other person isn’t seeing wrongdoings that they did, then it’s not going to matter. I don’t want to be with that person.

I go to counseling to help make myself better, to realize my goals, and to help me understand myself better. We all need self-growth at one point or another. We need to let our thoughts and feelings out so that we can move forward. Again, this is all so great. The other person needs to be willing to want to save or help their marriage/self.

There comes a time when you have to let go, though. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt like hell; like NOTHING ELSE you’ve felt before. You will feel sick every day. You will feel hate and anger. Tears will fall. You won’t sleep or eat. You will overeat. This cycle will continue for what seems like FOREVER. However, it’ll only last for a little while. Eventually, the period will get longer and longer, so you can be stronger in no time.

How do you let go?

I wish I had an answer. A lot of things in my life changed to move forward. I found a support system. I focused on me and my goals, leaned on God + my parents, and opened up to people around me. Also, I worked out and took care of my son. I realized what I had to do to move forward and make myself better all in time.

Don’t think it won’t hurt. You will be better in the long-run; remember, the long-run is going to take time. I used to believe that there was always hope. You know, you think of the love movies, and people come around. Or you hear about your friends getting remarried to the same guy years later. Whatever it is, do not think about it. For it to come back to you, you need to let go and do you. It is going to be the HARDEST action ever. I went through three deployments with my ex, and this is WAY more difficult than that. This stint is worse than mono and childbirth. God prepared me for this through all of those fierce battles.

Stop over-thinking and act on the future. Imagine your future. Where do you want to be? Who do you want to be? How will you go on and take care of yourself? Focus on YOU, and don’t let anything get in the way. What’s meant to be will always find a way.

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I Will Never Understand Divorce

May 6, 2019May 11, 20198 Comments

Like, why?

You can always fix something yourself but not if the other person isn’t willing. I don’t know. I’d rather fight for something than give up. Some might not agree. I genuinely believe that you can fight and work through just about anything. Yes, even an affair. But BOTH people need to be willing to forgive, accept, and be there for each other. Both people need to fight. That is it. When the other isn’t willing, it’s not worth it, and the damage is done.

It might be so hard, but trust me. If two people do not want to agree on making changes to move forward, this is when a divorce may happen. It takes a 50/50 effort. You both have to fight and make changes. You both have to take the blame and fight like HELL.

Things change; people change, or we merely realize what’s important. OR maybe our priorities shift. I still think I have a lot of the same characteristics now that I had when my ex married me all those years ago… But now, I have more focused goals such as my career and my son.

Did I neglect my husband at the time? Maybe. But it was difficult. I couldn’t find the balance. I don’t know if finding the balance would make it any better or worse, but we live in the moment and take it for what it’s worth.

I used to think I failed at my marriage, but I do not anymore. You have to forgive yourself. There comes a time when you realize you have tried everything. You recognize that the other person has already moved on and it isn’t worth fighting for anymore. When you forgive yourself, you know that you have not failed and you have been successful at trying. You have to accept that it is okay to let go. Letting go is going to feel like you just had a death in the family. Know that you are strong and can endure.

So yes, I wanted another kid. Yes, I wanted my marriage to work. Yes, I wanted my business to blossom. Yes, I wanted all these things. Yes, I wanted to grow old with my ex. But things change. I never saw it ending like this, never. However, sometimes life happens and we have to be thankful for the steps we took to get there. There is no one to blame; it was 50/50. But I do know that I am moving forward in a positive direction confidently and learning from my past. I do not regret any of this, yet I don’t understand how things could still be this way.